Don’t tell me to calm down

Twice in the past few months I’ve been told to “calm down,” once by an acquaintance/co-worker, and once by a perfect stranger. (Side note: why do we use the phrase “perfect stranger?” They are rarely perfect. Perhaps “imperfect stranger” would be better.) Generally speaking, I do not react well to such statements. (Who does?) Whatever the situation, if I am not “calm,” there is a darn good reason for it.

The word “calm” generally refers to a state of tranquility, peace, and absence of disturbance or strong emotions. In today’s society, it seems that being calm is the holy grail of mindset. We see evidence of that everywhere, from the well-known phrase Keep Calm and Carry On (originally coined in Great Britain during World War II but not widely used until being “rediscovered” around the year 2000 and now available in unlimited variations) to a multitude of self-help books and websites exhorting us to find our inner peace to an app called, appropriately, Calm. I recently discovered a canned mocktail with a version of the word “calm” on the container but can report that the taste of it did not change my attitude for the better (or calmer).

There are many words that can describe the opposite of calm, depending on the situation. Agitated, anxious, nervous, restless, turbulent, excited, disturbed, and possibly my favorite, frenzied. Perturbed, flustered and discomposed also make the list, as do thrilled, agitated, and disquieted. What a wonderful language English is–there are so many options! I do not believe, however, that I was exhibiting any such emotions during these recent admonishments. So why the reprimands?

In each of these situations, I was frustrated. Although that doesn’t show up in a list of antonyms for “calm,” perhaps it should. I was frustrated not by the overall situation, or by life in general, but by the particular actions of others. In fact, the very others who were telling me to calm down! Quelle surprise.

For the most part, I try not to let minor issues irritate me. It’s taken me a lifetime to get to this point. I was not as good at it when my new husband and I missed a flight connection on our first trip and I yelled at a poor airline employee that he was ruining my honeymoon. I’m still ashamed of that moment and have spent the years since training myself not to overreact when things aren’t going my way (at least trying to). As Ben Franklin said, “I have no patience for fools,” or even foolish behavior from otherwise sage persons (including myself). So when I am annoyed, especially with strangers (perfect or not), I try not to show it. Although I am becoming more successful at that, frustration still shows through occasionally. As indicated by these stories.

However, I believe that the folks telling me to calm down were doing so because at some level they realized their own actions had stirred up my frustration. Rather than admit that to themselves, or even apologize for the situation, they put the blame on the other person in the interaction–namely, me. Sort of like when a parent tells a toddler to calm down mid-tantrum because I–er, the parent–feels guilty for having lost control of the situation and can’t think of anything else to do. I could justify my frustration in both cases (and have, in the numerous retellings of the events in question), but I rest comfortably in the knowledge that I did nothing wrong. All I did was show an appropriate response to each situation. I did not yell, or curse, or stomp my feet. I don’t need to calm down.

There is a lot of research about why saying “calm down” to children doesn’t work. Apparently, a big reason is because the hidden meaning in that phrase is that your feeling is the problem, not the situation that caused your feeling. It’s true that I am a person who “feels” a lot. Telling me to calm down isn’t going to change that, it’s just going to make me even more irritated with the situation. It doesn’t work on kids, and it’s unlikely to work on me. Apparently, however, it will make me ruminate on the situation for weeks, and question my propensity to get frustrated, but at this stage of life I’m unlikely to change my basic personality. As Jessica Rabbit said, “I’m just drawn that way.” So I will keep calm and write on…but by my choice, not a stranger’s direction.