Could I have a hand with this?

My husband asked me on New Year’s Day if I have a resolution for 2026. At the time I didn’t have one–the holidays are such a busy time anyway that I don’t really spend time thinking about the next year until we get there. Some years I eventually come up with multiple resolutions, sometimes none, and either way seems to have the same impact on my life: very little. This year, however, I’ve been ruminating on the resolution question a little more, and I’ve actually made one. In 2026, I resolve to ask for help when I need it.

One of the interesting dichotomies of human behavior is that most of us want to help others, but we don’t want to get help ourselves. This starts pretty much as soon as we are talking–every toddler insists on “doing it myself!” Certainly as a youngster we each need to learn how to walk, and tie our shoes, and brush our teeth, but what is my excuse as an adult? Maybe it’s because our society thinks it shows weakness to want help, and I don’t want anyone to see me as weak. It’s bad enough that I cry at the drop of a hat…reading a sad book, watching a heart wrenching movie, seeing a television commercial for coffee where a son comes home from the military. If I ask for help, that reinforces my apparent weakness, and I can’t let that happen. I must be strong! I must do it myself!

If I am honest, sometimes a variant is true–I actually do want help, but I don’t want to ask for it. I want the people around me (i.e. my husband and sons) to somehow divine exactly what it is that I need without me saying anything and then do it without being asked. The floor would magically be vacuumed without me saying anything! Missing ingredients are replaced in the pantry without me lifting a hand! Dishes automatically are cleaned and put away in the right cabinets! I recognize that this is unfair, which is why I’m resolving to change it this year. I shouldn’t expect them to read my mind–expectation without communication leads to disappointment (and sometimes yelling). Instead of hoping that a task gets done, or that assistance is offered, I’m going to ask for it.

I want this to go beyond housecleaning. If I could use help organizing something for which I’ve volunteered, I’m not going to martyr myself, sighing inwardly and wishing someone would see the need to pitch in–I’m going to ask for assistance. If I have a gazillion errands to run, I’m going to share them with other members of my household rather than being quietly irritated that I’m doing everything myself. If I’m having trouble dealing with being an empty nester, I’m going to seek guidance from friends who have been there before.

I’m also going to accept help when it is offered. I enjoy cooking for friends and family, especially hosting them in my home, but have a habit of doing it all myself. No need to bring anything, I’ve got it covered. No, you don’t need to come early to help, please don’t show up until everything is perfect. Why do I care about that? Are my friends going to think less of me if I accept volunteers? I am channeling Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny–I want to do it without any help from anybody. But more and more often, I hear Marisa Tomei’s voice in my head: “You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody’s else’s help, right? You win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, ‘thank you’….what a nightmare!”

This point of view is even more ridiculous when I consider how much I like to help others. As Dory said in Finding Nemo, “That’s me, your little helper.” Let me bring some food over! Can I get that door for you? I can help carry that! Do you need help cleaning? I enjoy helping others because it makes me feel good. Why not allow others that feeling by helping me? When you help someone, your brain releases dopamine, which not only feels good in the moment, but can make you feel more optimistic and less stressed. I get a “helpers high” when I help others. It’s time to let others get that feeling when they do the same for me.

Of course, there are a few situations where it’s not appropriate to accept help. At the end of the movie The Freshman, Marlon Brando’s mobster character offers to help Matthew Broderick “open some doors” in Hollywood. “Really, it’s easy for me. I just make a phone call and make it easy for you.” The film student demurs, which is the right answer when the offered aid is coming from a criminal (even a nice one). So I won’t ask any gangsters for aid. But everyone else, look out–2026 is the year that I start inviting your assistance. And today, the floor really is dirty, so would you mind giving it a sweep?