I Won The Spam Sweepstakes!

A few weeks ago I got a letter from “Elliot Barnes,” who claims to be a London attorney (red flag–legal providers in the UK are solicitors and barristers–attorney is an American word) reaching out to me regarding a “highly confidential and significant matter.” He represents the “Two Hundred Million US Dollars” estate of a man who shares my last name but who has no heirs, given the tragic loss of his wife and two children in an automobile accident. Therefore, even though we are not related, the fact that we share the same name “provides a potential pathway to claim the estate.” I’m sure it does! And Attorney Barnes would love to help me get that money, with only a 50/50 split once the claim is completed. And boom! I am wealthy! Not sure why he chose me, and not my husband, given that it is my married name that I share with the decedent. According to my random googling, approximately 60,000 people in the United States share our last name. Perhaps we all could share the loot? Even if we only get one hundred million after the split with our philanthropic attorney, that’s around $1667 per person. Enough for a plane ticket to London–maybe even Economy Plus!

This is the first time I’ve gotten an actual letter (perhaps Mr. Barnes read my post about how much I like snail mail?), but as we all do I’ve gotten scads of emails, texts and calls from potential scammers. (No doubt they are ACTUAL scammers; they are potential with regard to me until I trash their delightful correspondence.) In fact, the number of electronic messages and calls I get increased about five-fold as soon as I started this blog. Most of the emails go to my junk file–unfortunately a lot of necessary correspondence goes to my junk file as well, so I still see them because I have to go through that folder on a regular basis. Thanks, Outlook!

There have been con artists since the dawn of time–swindlers, cheaters, snake oil salesmen, flimflammers. But with the proliferation of electronic communications, it seems there is no way to escape them. I love the ones addressed to my email address, or those that reverse my first and last names, as if that level of personalization makes me more likely to respond positively. I am old fashioned enough that I get irritated when someone who doesn’t know me uses my given name in an initial communication. They call me MISSUS Tibbs…er, Nash. Guess I won’t be responding to those!

I’ve heard of situations where people are scared into responding before they think through it, and certainly can understand acting in the heat of the moment. I once gave $20 to someone who accosted me in my car while leaving my workplace distracted (I was, as usual, late leaving to pick up my kids), and boy did I feel stupid when she asked me for more. The charlatans who targeted my nephew recently, telling him they’d kidnapped his twin sister, no doubt regretted their choice of target when Matt called in his father. My brother is a police lieutenant, and along with his FBI colleagues quickly shut down the money-making scheme. Take that, you scammers!

I understand that enough people are tricked into giving up money (or information that leads to money) that spam will continue essentially forever. Given that, I think the only way to handle it is to embrace the comic potential. In my home, we generally don’t answer phone calls that come in from unknown numbers, although sometimes we do it just for fun. My oldest son might answer in Russian, which the callers find confusing. Or one of us will pick up the phone and say “WNSH you’re a winner!” We even went through a phase when a family member would pick up a call and whisper “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere.” That one pretty much guaranteed a quick hang up!

That’s why I appreciate Mr. Barnes’s letter so much. I know better than to open the emails and texts, so those don’t get read. But ah, the joy of the actual piece of paper. He assures me that he will facilitate the process legally and securely, and it is entirely risk-free. I just have to keep it confidential, “especially given the lack of a verified relationship.” Darn it, I probably shouldn’t write a blog about this opportunity…but the laughs I’ve already gotten out of this letter are worth it.